Frankenstorm Sandy vs. Mitt the Romster

Posted on November 1, 2012

Time and time again Mitt Romney has professed his vision to get the federal government out of state business. What is state business? Well, virtually everything, according to his campaign. At the top of Mr. Romney’s list of programs that need to go are federal assistance programs—including FEMA, the federal agency that oversees the cleanup and mitigation of damages caused by natural (and unnatural) disasters. So, let me pretend for a moment that I have a WWRD bumper sticker on my car and ask the tough question: What Would Romney Do if he were currently President? To help figure it out, let’s take a simple multiple choice exam

1. What would President Romney have done to assist in the days preceding the arrival of the storm?
a. Commanded his legions to hit the ground and position themselves for a quick post-storm response.
–OR–
b. Issued an Executive Order to New England states to “Duck and Cover.”

2. After watching the storm coverage on Fox News (which explained it as an act of God to punish the Democrats), what would President Romney have said on the telephone to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie?
a. Help is on the way. Tell me where to send it and how much.
–OR–
b. Tell the Governor that this is New Jersey’s problem, not America’s problem, and suggest that the state should rename the “Jersey Shore” to the “Jersey Sore.”

So here’s the answer key:

If Romney picks both “b” answers, then he is directly in line with his base and will have proved himself to be a trustworthy man who meant every word in his campaign promises. He will have also proven himself to be a heartless plutocrat whose only allegiance is to his tax bracket and not the lives of those who live outside of his bubble. Not very American.

If Romney picks both “a” answers, then he is making the morally correct American decision, while at the same time exposing himself as a snake oil salesman who will lie and manipulate in his campaigns just to get elected.

So if we vote for Romney we have to hope like crazy, with our fingers crossed, that he emerges from behind the campaign veil as just that one shining version of the Romster we might each prefer. Who knows, we could get Godzilla, but we could always get Mothra. Or…and are you ready for this…we could simply elect an American who doesn’t flip flop, does what he says he is going to do, and is not beholden to the special interests of corporate America.

Hmm, what a choice. Too bad I can’t check in with a Zen-like spiritual being who can existentially rise above it all and bring clarity to the campaign. You know, someone like Meatloaf.